Fast forward six months and I am back. I should be working right now, but instead I’m writing a post for a blog I have not touched in quite awhile.
That’s a good question, I’ve been asking myself the same thing while thinking about writing this blog again. The summer saw Fabulous go full on boy. He was at camp, doing sports and around boys all the time, and so the defenses went up. He’s already a master at hiding himself. However, as summer came to an end, the girl in him started to re-emerge. And his expression of who he is on the inside has only become more insistent. He has worn dresses outside of the house, had a sleepover with the girls, and been mistaken on several occasions as a little girl. However, the happiness all this brings is momentary. Usually, it ends in a sadness that all of it reminds him, he isn’t a girl. For the first time he has expressed dislike of his genitalia because it also reminds him of what he isn’t. Due to all this, we have found a therapist that he will begin sessions with in the coming weeks. As his mother and I anticipate changes my mind begins to spin as I try to find solid footing in a gender-fluid world.
Who Will Read?
Whoever wants to…other dads, moms, siblings, or kids seeking to know that there are those of us who who find it brave of them to stand up and seek their own truth. I write because I enjoy it, and because, in this case, it might help someone feel like they’re not alone. I find writing therapeutic. On top of all this, there are tons of blogs, books, video journals, and podcasts by mothers of transgender spectrum kids, but little is heard from the male side of the parenting team. Personally, I think this sucks. There is no doubt that moms are crucial, and often their children’s biggest champions. I’ll be the first to say my wife does so much more in the day to day taking care of the children, and that we would be lost without her. However, there is much that a dad can do to help a transgender child find his or her truth. In the case of Fabulous, he looks to me for safety, and he looks to me for approval. He knows he has his mother’s, but as an assigned male he wants to know that I am ok with something before he jumps in with both feet. My approval makes him feel empowered, and it is such an easy thing to give. He has his own life to live, and I have mine.
When will I write?
Whenever the mood strikes me. When I have something to say, or whenever I just need to work something out. My goal, first and foremost, is to be the best dad I can be to Fabulous and to his brother, who I’ll call Sport. I will try to write at least once a week, but if I don’t that just means I’m busy working and being a dad. My hope is to learn something about myself, and if others gain insight then so much the better.
What about comments?
I will try to respond and and read comments. Rude comments and nasty comments will be deleted. My blog, my rules. I don’t tolerate hate, and it has no place here.
Those who find themselves here and know who I am, or who my family is, please do not out us. There are many families and people who live stealth for good reason, and while we don’t live stealth per se, we’re not ready to be outed either as I believe control of the flow of information is crucial.
I can’t end this post without something fun. You may have noticed the picture for this blog, and it’s a tip of the hat to Fabulous, who will be going as Mal for Halloween. She’s his favorite movie character, and when the costume came he was over the moon excited about it. We even got him some purple Doc Marten’s to go with the costume.
His birthday is around the corner, and for it he has asked to have his three best girlfriends from school over to celebrate. He initially wanted to play games and play dress up. Two of his BFFs know about him, but we don’t know the third one or her parents, and so reality strikes home. Do we take the chance? Do we run the risk? My wife, Mom of Fabulous, or MomFab for short, will talk to Wonderful’s mom to see if she knows the other girl’s parents. In the mean time we’ve talked Fabulous into going to see a movie with his friends. They’ll still have fun and we’ll breath easier.
I’ve received some positive encouragement to start this up again…so to those of you who positively nudged me forward, thank you? Seriously though, it’s nice to share thoughts, laugh, cry, and share angry thoughts together. After all, nobody gets us like we get each other. I listened to part of a podcast this morning where an 8 year old MtF expressed a desire to have a play date with another girl “like her.” As she explained to her mom, it wasn’t because she didn’t have friends, but rather because spending time with a girl like her made her not feel all alone. Hearing it, and thinking of Fabulous, I couldn’t help but choke down some tears at the thought that he might ever feel this way. It also encouraged me to do this, because as parents of these special kids we need each other, and we need to remember that we’re not alone. Even when other parents are assholes, when schools are intolerant, when churches condemn us and our families, and hardest of all, when friends and family desert us or we are forced to cut them out of our lives…we have each other. For me, family isn’t only blood (both my sons were fostered before we adopted them), family are those people who have your back, people you can call on for help and you know they will be there, no questions asked simply because they are needed.
I’ll probably post one more time this weekend, so come along for a ride if you want. I’ll be around, and I’m always willing to share and listen to those who need it.